Long Hilarious dirty jokes — The very best

A man was selling a monkey that could perform intercourse on a woman. One day a lady customer went to his shop and asked the price of that monkey. The shopkeeper replied 300$. The woman bought it and went to her home. Excited to have sex, she tries to seduce the monkey by touching her. Nothing happens. She kisses him. The monkey doesn’t respond. She then gets naked on the bed thinking that would surely signal the monkey to bang her. The monkey again didn’t do anything. Visibly frustrated, she calls the shopkeeper and complains that this monkey is of no use and that she wants a refund. The shopkeeper calms her down and assures her of checking the monkey for the problem. He then goes to her house and checked the monkey. After a thorough examination of the animal, he then ordered the lady to get into the bed naked. The monkey still didn’t do anything. The shopkeeper then look at the monkey and shouted “You stupid fuck, this is the last time I am going to teach you how to fuck” 😂🤣

A brother receives a complaint from his school about his younger brother involved in sex with a black teacher. The parents were upset but not the brother. He thought it was a proud moment for him. He then goes to the school to pick up his younger brother and asks him, “So tell me, what happened”.
The younger brother replied, “We had sex”. The elder brother swelled his chest with pride and tells him that he is not going to scold him but would take him to a fantastic outing. While sitting inside the car, the elder one saw the younger one having trouble sitting. He asked “Why you are having pain there? The younger one replied “Because the teacher fucked me really hard today 🤣”

A boy was staring at her mother’s big breasts.
He asks her “Mommy what are those things?”
Bit surprised, the mother replies “Those are balloons, my dear.”
Child: – “But I think I have also seen similar like those things before”
Bit Perplexed, the mother asks “Where honey?”
Child: – “On our neighbor aunt Marie when Daddy was ballooning them with all his might”

A man was present at the trial court where his wife was being trialed for cheating on him with the neighbor. The judge asked, where did that boy do his thing with you? The husband came to the witness box where his wife was standing, brings down her pants and panties forcibly, and tells the judge pointing to her vagina, “Here my Lord, fucking Here at this place”

A woman was on the honeymoon while her sister messaged her “Do try out that New jeans that I gave it you”. The woman didn’t respond. After a couple of days, the sister messaged her again “Did you tried that jeans yet?” Frustrated, the woman responds “This fucker is not letting me wear the panties, let alone try out the jeans.”

A lady married a man whose penis was the size of a cucumber. After a couple of months of painful anal sex, the wife starts to decline him for the anal part. Worried, the man asked, what happened, dear? Why are you not wanting to do the anal? The wife says, I thought sex with you will give me pleasure and children but instead, it is making my shit pass through the rectum easily.

The wife was preparing to go to Paris. She asks the husband if he wants her to bring some gifts for him. The husband jokingly replied, “Yes Darling. Bring me a hot blonde”. The wife didn’t utter anything and went to Paris. Upon returning, the husband sarcastically asked, “Did you brought my gift which I asked you”. The wife replied “Yes Honey. I did. Just wait for nine months”

Women often have the habit of looking at intangible qualities of men like intelligence, wisdom, stable career, emotional connection, and whatnot, whereas men often look for the tangible qualities like nice tits, full lips (serves 2 purposes), and an hourglass figure. Someone has rightly said that men are like dogs for the first 100 years of their life.

When a woman is staring at her husband, she is thinking about how lucky she is to have such a wonderful husband who takes care of her. When a husband is staring wife, he is thinking about ravishing her later that night!😎😎

There is insane pleasure in irritating someone with your smelly farts. The more the smell, the more the irritation, and the more satisfaction it gives.

A man asked “How much do you love my daughter”
Boy: – “The sky is the limit”
Father: – “Can you take a shot for her?”
Boy: – “I can bang her for hours without taking a shot, sir.”

Husband and wife were watching a baseball match until the match gets halted by the rain. They waited for a few hours and then realized that the match has been canceled.
Husband: – “Not every game ends in a climax”
Wife: – “A fact well known to every woman.”

Man:- “I want a divorce”
Wife: – “No”
Man: – “But why? I want to move out”
Wife: – “I am not gonna let you have a divorce until this freaking winter passes by”

Wife: – “There is immense pain in my chest dear”
Husband:- “Did you went to a doctor?”
Wife: – “Yes”
Husband: – “And what did he said?”
Wife: – “He said WOWWW!”

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